Chapter 13 : Memories and Everyday Life
(Narrator : Jessica)
The morning after the party, I wake up with a lingering, unpleasant weight pressing down on me, refusing to go away. The morning light filters through the curtains, but I have no desire to get out of bed. What a night…
I replay the conversations in my head, the endless jokes, and especially the relentless stares from our friends. Their obsession with overanalyzing everything turned a simple get-together into an emotional battlefield. I know Josh felt it too. He was on edge the whole evening, despite his jokes and forced smiles.
When I finally get up and find him in the kitchen, he’s already sitting there with a cup of coffee, staring out the window. He looks exhausted—his shoulders slightly slumped, his gaze distant, lost in his thoughts.
I sit down across from him, clutching my tea like it’s the only thing grounding me. For a moment, neither of us says anything. The silence hangs heavy between us until I decide to break it.
- Jessica: “You think they’re going to keep hassling us after last night?”
He looks up at me, a joyless smile tugging at his lips.
- Josh: “Are you kidding? Brice is probably already working on his next round of jokes.”
I grimace, taking a sip of tea to push down the frustration building inside me.
- Jessica: “I know they don’t mean any harm, but… it’s exhausting. We can’t get through a single night without them looking for hidden meanings in everything we say or do.”
Josh nods, letting out a deep sigh.
- Josh: “Yeah. And every time we try to steer the conversation away, it’s like it just eggs them on even more. It’s… draining.”
His tone is calm, but I can hear the tension beneath his words. Josh isn’t the type to complain, so I know last night really got to him. We need to figure out a way to deal with this, but how?
The following days pass in a haze. Our mismatched schedules start to create an odd distance between us. Josh has started working nights, and our days barely overlap anymore.
In the mornings, he usually comes home exhausted, his face drawn from lack of sleep. By then, I’m already dressed and sipping my coffee, trying not to disturb him as he slips straight into his room. Our interactions are brief, little more than whispers exchanged across doorways.
- Jessica: “Good night… or good morning, I guess.”
- Josh (with a half-smile): “Thanks. Have a good day at work.”
I leave the apartment in silence, letting him get his rest, but this new routine is starting to weigh on me. I hate this feeling of watching him drift further away, even if it’s unintentional.
In the afternoons, he’s often in the living room, a workout mat spread across the floor, his weights lying beside him. He trains to stay in shape—a habit he carried over from his time in the army. Sometimes, I watch him without him noticing, and there’s one thing that always stands out: the stark contrast between the carefree Josh I once knew and the disciplined, almost rigid man he’s become.
There’s something mesmerizing about the way he moves, the way he trains with laser focus. I can’t seem to look away, as if I’m rediscovering someone I thought I knew inside and out.
My week is already packed—working from home, endless calls, and navigating this strange dynamic with Josh. But if there’s one thing that can still make my days heavier, it’s Lily.
Ever since the party at Brice’s, Lily’s had only one topic of conversation: Josh. And no, not his character, or how he’s trying to find balance again after the army. It’s all about his body. She somehow manages to work him into every discussion, and it’s starting to get… awkward. Very awkward.
This morning, as I scroll through my emails over my coffee, her name pops up on my phone screen. A message. I sigh, already guessing what it says.
- Lily (text): “Come on, admit it—it’s gotta be hard not to get distracted at home with a guy like Josh around. 😏”
I close my eyes and shake my head. Breathe, Jess. It’s just Lily. She’s joking. She’s always joking…
- Jessica (text): “Cut it out, seriously. He’s just… normal. Nothing special. You’ve got to drop this idea.”
Her reply comes almost instantly.
- Lily (text): “Normal? Jess, come on. Have you seen his arms? And that smile? Even I wouldn’t be able to stay focused. 😂 Honestly, living with him must be amazing. Like having a walking fantasy hanging out in your living room!”
I drop my phone onto the table, exasperated. Lily’s jokes have always been borderline, but this is too much. It’s not just annoying—it’s unsettling. Not because of what she’s saying, but because it’s forcing me to confront something I’ve been trying to avoid: people notice.
A few hours later, as we’re having lunch at a café near my place, Lily dives back in. She sips her orange juice, that mischievous smile on her face making it crystal clear where this conversation is headed.
- Lily: “So, honestly, Jess, how is it? There’s got to be moments when… I don’t know, he comes out of the shower and you’re just like, wow. Right?”
I nearly choke on my coffee. I shoot her an incredulous look, silently begging her to tell me she’s joking, but she stares back at me, dead serious, waiting for an answer.
- Jessica: “No, Lily. That doesn’t happen. Because it’s Josh, and it’s just… normal. Seriously, stop. It’s awkward.”
She bursts out laughing, but her tone sharpens as she presses further.
- Lily: “Awkward? Oh, come on, Jess. Be honest. Even Brice made comments about his body at the party. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed too.”
I clench my teeth, trying to keep my composure. There’s no way I can tell her the truth. That would only make things worse. So, I steer the conversation in another direction.
Jessica: “What I have noticed is how much time you spend thinking about Josh. Are you sure you’re not the one who needs to do some soul-searching here?”
Lily: “I don’t think he’s into me… But if he were, I’d eat him alive.”
For fuck’s sake, this cannot be real.
That night, as I head home, Lily’s words keep playing on a loop in my head. “You’ve got to notice too.” I hate to admit it, but part of me can’t stop thinking about it. Not in the way Lily meant, but… differently.
I pass Josh in the living room. He’s stretching after his workout, his sweat-soaked t-shirt clinging to his skin, outlining the shape of his shoulders and chest. I quickly avert my gaze, a shiver running through me despite myself.
Stop it, Jess. This is ridiculous. It’s Josh.
But Lily’s not entirely wrong. He has changed. He’s broader, more confident, and… I hate that the thought even crosses my mind. I hurry off to my room, hoping that shutting the door will block out these unwelcome thoughts.
In the mornings, he’s usually still asleep, worn out from his night shifts. I work from the kitchen table or the couch, enjoying the quiet. By the time Josh emerges from his room, usually around noon, he lingers a bit before settling into his routine. That routine, of course, includes his intense workouts in the living room—right next to my workspace.
That day, I’m buried in a complicated project, dressed in an old t-shirt and a barely-there pair of shorts, figuring I have the place to myself. But I’ve overlooked one crucial detail: Josh.
I glance up from my laptop just in time to see him walk into the room, a glass of water in hand. He stops mid-step, his eyebrows lifting slightly.
- Josh: “Uh, Jess… are you planning to work dressed like that all day?”
I glance down at my shorts, frowning.
- Jessica: “What? We’re at home, aren’t we?”
He cracks an amused smile, but there’s a flicker of discomfort in his eyes.
- Josh: “I’m just saying, if someone stops by unexpectedly, you might end up giving them a free show.”
I chuckle lightly, but my cheeks flush with heat. Before I even realize it, I stand up and grab a jacket, tying it around my waist.
- Jessica: “You’re such a pain, you know that?”
- Josh (grinning): “I’m doing this for you. You’ll thank me later.”
I’m not going to lie: living with Josh, despite the external tensions, does have its perks. He takes care of everything with an almost obsessive discipline, and I sometimes wonder if he brought that straight from the army. Every day, he seems to have a precise list of tasks that he completes without fail. For someone like me, who was used to running the household on my own, this is a whole new dynamic.
One morning, after coming back from grocery shopping, I walk into the kitchen and find it spotless. Last night’s dishes are washed, the counters are gleaming, and even the floor has been swept. I freeze for a moment, grocery bags still in hand, until I hear Josh’s voice from the living room.
- Josh: “You left a war zone in here last night, so I figured I’d take care of it.”
He steps into the kitchen, a dish towel slung over his shoulder, giving me a satisfied look.
- Jessica: “I… thank you. That’s really nice of you. But, you know, you don’t have to do everything all the time.”
He shrugs, a faint smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.
- Josh: “I’m just doing my part. Keeps me busy. And you’ve got enough on your plate with work.”
His response catches me off guard. This isn’t just a chore for him—it’s his way of taking care of the apartment, of me. He’s become so… methodical. Thoughtful, even. I set the grocery bags on the counter, trying to hide the way my thoughts are suddenly racing.
Every day, Josh brings a kind of stability I hadn’t expected. He doesn’t just tidy up or clean—he adds structure to our daily lives. One evening, I come home later than planned, exhausted from a string of endless meetings. As I open the door, the familiar smell of lasagna fills the air.
Josh is in the kitchen, bent over the oven, a makeshift apron tied around his waist.
- Jessica: “You’re cooking?!”
He straightens up, an amused smile on his face.
- Josh: “You looked dead this morning, so I figured I’d make something for dinner. But hey, if you had other plans, let me know.”
I shake my head, a smile creeping onto my face despite my fatigue.
- Jessica: “No, this is perfect. Thanks, Josh. Seriously.”
As we eat, I can’t stop thinking about how much he’s changed. This organized, thoughtful man is a far cry from the carefree teenager I once knew. He takes care of the house as if it’s his mission, and it reassures me more than I’m willing to admit.
Another evening, as I’m wrapping up my work-from-home day, I hear him in the living room, busy tidying up the books I’d left scattered around. He pauses for a moment to look at one of my old novels, a nostalgic smile tugging at his lips.
- Josh: “You still read this? I remember you were obsessed with it back in high school.”
I laugh softly, walking over to join him in the living room.
- Jessica: “It’s a classic. You should give it a try sometime.”
He glances up at me, a playful glint of challenge in his eyes.
- Josh: “Maybe, if I can find time between work and cleaning up after you.”
- Jessica: “Oh, stop. I’ve been way less messy since you moved in. And don’t forget, when we first started sharing this place, you were the one leaving the mess!”
He laughs, but I know he doesn’t fully realize how true it is. His presence pushes me to be more organized, more mindful. And without really meaning to, I’ve started to appreciate this dynamic. He’s become a cornerstone of our day-to-day life, and it touches me more than I let on.
The day had been long, and the quiet of the apartment was soothing. I finish tidying up the kitchen after dinner while Josh remains seated at the table, staring into his glass. It’s rare to see him like this—still, unmoving, without a task to accomplish or a joke to break the tension. Something’s off.
I dry my hands and sit across from him, propping my elbow on the table. His silence pushes me to break it first.
- Jessica: “Josh, do you want to talk about it?”
He looks up at me, startled, but doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he takes a long breath and sets his glass down.
- Josh: “You know, it’s weird. Finally being able to settle down, but not really knowing how.”
I furrow my brows, unsure of what he means.
- Jessica: “Is it your night shifts? Are they wearing you down that much?”
He nods, but I can tell there’s more to it than that.
- Josh: “Yeah, that… and everything else. I feel like I’m stuck between two worlds. Back there, everything was clear, sharp, precise. Here…”
He trails off, his gaze drifting again. I’ve never heard Josh talk about the army with this much emotion, let alone what he went through. Normally, he keeps those memories locked away, buried deep.
I stay quiet, giving him the space he needs to continue.
- Josh: “You know, over there, we saw things… things I can’t forget, no matter how hard I try. Things I never really figured out how to explain. They just stay with you, no matter where you go.”
His voice is steady, but the weight of his words is crushing. I feel a lump forming in my throat. This isn’t the time for questions; he needs to let this out.
- Josh: “Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night with that damned feeling like I’m still there. The sounds, the smells… it all comes back, like it’s real. And even when I know it’s over, that I’m here… it doesn’t go away.”
He runs a hand over his face, visibly frustrated.
- Josh: “I keep telling myself it’ll pass, but… it’s been weeks, and nothing’s changing.”
I lean forward slightly, placing my hand on his. He doesn’t move, but I can see in his eyes that he notices the gesture.
- Jessica: “Josh, you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, really talk to me. If it helps even a little, I’m here.”
He gives me a faint but genuine smile.
- Josh: “I know. But… I don’t want to put this on you. It’s not easy to hear, and it’s even harder to understand.”
I shake my head, my voice softening.
- Jessica: “You’re not burdening me, Josh. If you need me, I’m here. And I mean it.”
For the first time tonight, he really looks at me, his eyes slightly wet. It’s only a moment, but it feels like a part of the wall he’s built around himself has crumbled.
We sit there for a while, in a silence that feels almost comforting. Finally, he speaks again.
- Josh: “You know, I thought coming back here would fix everything. But sometimes, I feel like I’m even more lost than before. Like… if I hadn’t taken this job, or if I hadn’t come back so fast…”
His voice falters, and I squeeze his hand a little tighter.
- Jessica: “You’re doing your best, Josh. And that’s all that matters. No one expects you to have it all figured out. Definitely not me.”
He chuckles softly, wiping the corner of his eye discreetly.
- Josh: “Thanks, Jess. Really.”
After a few minutes, he gets up, leaving me alone at the table. But even after he’s gone, I stay there, replaying his words in my mind. What I feel isn’t just worry—it’s something more. I can’t quite put a name to it, but the way he opened up to me tonight, the way he let me see this vulnerable side of him, it moved me deeply.
He needs me.